Insanity Laughs, Under Pressure We're Cracking...

Here we belong, fighting for survival.

2009-08-04T13:45:20Z

I feel dead.
I'm sad.
And I don't know why.
Well, I do know why, but it doesn't really make sense.
I just miss people.
This is the worst post-camp depression and camp withdrawls ever.
Especially since I got back from camp about 2 and a half weeks ago.
Uni sucks.
I'm getting through tonight with Beatles, Queen and Billy Joel.
Freddie's singing happy songs.
Tonight, I'm gonna have myself a real good time.
I feel alive.
I don't
I want to, but I don't.
Ergh.
Maybe tomorrow will be better?

Life

2009-05-08T08:45:39Z

For some reason, I have no immune system.
I got a cold. On Tuesday and felt like hell by Wednesday. Actually, felt like hell by Tuesday, but I felt pretty bad on Wednesday too. But hey, it wasn't too bad, responded pretty well the awesome cold and flu tablets I got from the chemist.
So I get a bit better.
Next Tuesday. I get into uni. I go home early because I've got a fever. I have regotten my cold. But the fever broke by the evening, I got over the chills, I could function well enough to pass my test on Wednesday. And once again, reponded well to the medication and I got a bit better.
Then the next Tuesday. I wake up. I feel horrible. I have managed to once again contract the same cold from myself. Again. How is this possible? Three times?
And once again, I've pretty much gotten over the cold.
But I have been revisited by an old friend. We shall call this old friend 'smoker's cough'. Because that's what it sounds like. It's my horrible sounding horrible horrible cough. It actually sounds pretty impressive, but it's horrible. It's like I'm trying to cough up a lung. I feel like that's what I'm trying to do.
Got it last year.
Got it the year before.
Got it this year.
I hate it.
It is horrible
And now my throat hurts from my valient attempts to hack up a lung.
Why can I not have an immune system?

arithna @ 2009-04-28T14:53:00

2009-04-28T07:00:16Z

avian flu
equine flu
swine flu
seriously, none sound good.
but i could live with bird flu or horse flu.
but pig flu? are you serious?
and to make everything better, i did just get sick.
but it's a cold.
to be precise, it's the exact same cold i got about a week and a half a go.
sore throat, stuffy nose, slight fever, look like shit, feel exhausted, want to throw up continuously while also feeling hot and cold, both at the same time.
whyyy must i get the same cold twice?
life is not fair.
actually, i can live with a cold.
it's actually not a bad one. it responds pretty well to the cold and flu tablets.
my biggest pain in the arse moment about it all is the fact that i have a maths test tomorrow.
oh yea.
linear algebra
the part of the hardest first year maths unit that was meant to be easy
and was easy
until we moved in n-space.
come on?
you cannot be serious.
N-SPACE!
WHAT IS N-SPACE, YOU ASK.
I will tell you what n-space is.
it's like 2D or 3D (respectively 2-space or 3-space) but with n dimensions
it's something bizarre
and fictional
with an infinite number of dimensions
what does it look like?
i don't know
no one knows
our minds literally cannot comprehend n-space in a geometrical sense
we cannot possibly begin to visualise it
we can only work in mathmatics in it
which is beautiful
but terrifying
both at the same time

for some reason my ability to write paragraphs has died.
i think it died with my brain when i took all of the pills which i took to allow myself to breathe

but it doesn't matter
no one reads this anyway.
i never update
i should work on that.
adios

Of Christmas revelations

2008-12-25T14:44:25Z

Today I made chocolate mousse. I think it's starting to become something of a Christmas tradition really. We gather with my mum's sister and brothers on Christmas evening for a meal – first at my aunt's house, now at ours, and have something to eat. It's not the traditional whole cooked meal, instead some meat, salads, dips, a range of stuff. And then desert. I'm always the one called upon to make something for desert and for some reason it's always chocolate mousse. Perhaps because I can't cook to save my life, but it's easy to make out of a packet (add some milk and stick it in the electric mixer is essentially all it takes), perhaps because we can serve it individually. I don't know, but it's what is always made.

For some reason, this year we got a different brand. I don't know how well it turned out. I think it's thicker than usual, perhaps richer too. I don't really care, I don't even like chocolate mousse (and yet, every year, without fail, I still make it).
After I'd made up both lots, put them into cups (incredibly messily too), added the chocolate sprinkles, put them in the fridge and washed up the dishes, I went into the bathroom to wash myself up. I had flecks of chocolate mousse right up my forearms and all over my shirt too. I always have been (and I strongly suspect I always will be) incredibly terrified of the electric mixer.

But as I was standing in the bathroom, washing up to my elbows, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and wondered how I ended up like this. My hair is everywhere, washed every few days, brushed only when I feel like wearing it out – otherwise just pulled back as neatly as I can be bothered. I've put on a lot of weight and don't seem to be getting around to losing it. I spend my life in denim shorts which aren't short at all and come to my knees and a range of different t-shirts or polo shirts. And I've taken an even stronger dislike to shoes than ever and so have been walking around in thongs which readily get discarded. The soles of my feet are brown and calloused and the tops bear an unfortunate thong tan. Around my right ankle there is a rather tattered friendship bracelet in bright colours, as a stark reminder of a friendship which I've let wither away. I'm redeveloping my racing bathers tan, drinking far more water than I ever should and entering into a rather self-destructive cycle that is highly reminiscent of where I was in year 10. And at the same time I'm doing my best to keep everything the same as it was before we graduated by pretty much shutting everyone out.
And I wondered why I did this to myself.

Why I let myself get like this? Why I didn't accept what I had and leant to live with that. I could learn to love, I could be very happy. But instead I stay with unrealistic dreams of a overly imaginative seventeen year old.

I hate myself sometimes. I hate myself often.

Of wasting study time

2008-08-29T12:07:55Z

Sometimes we get an opportunity to do something which distracts us from our work. Like when you get an opportunity to go babysitting instead of cleaning your room. Or going to reconciliation instead of applicable. Or writing a 50 word story with the words 'block' and 'wearily' instead of researching your thesis. In life, we tend to take these opportunities, and this is what we call procrastination.

And here is some of my endeavours at procrastinating so far.

4:39 in the morning, the calculus student looks wearily at her notes. She’s starting to think that she really should begin studying before the morning of the exam. Her calculator flashes and dies, a block of blue figures appearing on her screen. Now she needs to remember what 4x4 is.

Taking the dog for a walk around the block seemed like a good idea before we went. Unfortunately the encounters with hoons blaring rap and armies of children playing bad football on the road made it somewhat less enjoyable. Returning home wearily, I wondered briefly what happened to the dog.

Monday morning- a new week and a test. Running to try and make it on time; the faster you try to go, the slower everyone else moves. Year 9s block corridors, eager to continue conversations, teachers wearily hurry them along. Then you arrive and find your calculator’s still in F2.

Garry never really wanted much out of life. Each morning he’d wake up, go for a slow jog around the block and then sit on his porch criticizing the way young people look these days. He would drag himself wearily inside around dusk, sleep and begin again. Garry felt fulfilled.

I'm actually slightly confused about most of them. But there you go. No doubt more will be added as I continue to avoid that dreaded thesis.

August 11, 2008: Today's Thought

2008-08-11T09:59:44Z

I LOVE HIM HE'S WONDERFUL AND HOT.

Oh What a Beautiful Morning...

2008-07-20T14:51:13Z

Aithne....

- has a headache
- is being kept up by her neighbours attempting to sing ‘uptown girl’. songs being massacred is one this. billy joel songs being massacred is an entirely different thing. pity, i kind of liked those neighbours before tonight
- is excited because jenae might be emailing her sometime soon
- is corrupting others and apparently trying to stalk people
- is a bad person who had bad dreams about doing bad things to lovely people
- goes back to school in two days and is very excited
- feels that capitals aren't necessary
- is going to draw on paths and play with modelling clay in her red jumper
- is very tired and feeling slightly unwell
- lost her ring today, had a huge panic attack and found it again
- went to mass this morning and wasn’t made serve or acolyte, but was told off for not knowing the colours of the vatican city
- needs to go to bed sometime soon and still hasn’t done her french homework
- is getting an email soon
- cannot stop thinking about someone
- needs to go to bed and have lovely dreams
- misses katie and hopes that she is okay

Seven of Eight

2008-05-27T14:13:12Z

Today I got up horrendously early after sleeping for six hours; horrendously early equals whatever six hours after eight is because I crashed very early last night; did some physics notes; got dressed; breakfasted; packed and got ready to go to school; sat out the front with kristyn; saw someone wearing nice pants; they were nicely tight and you really don’t want to know anything more than that; discovered that Mr Willmott now officially has no hair; got my laptop from my locker and did more physics notes; migrated back to my homeroom to return my laptop to the security of the locker; walked past unnamed imported pe teacher who knows who I am who said hello to me; responded with a rather startled hello to the still unnamed imported pe teacher who I don’t know who she is; went to the library to study for a little; attempted to study; went for a walk with Krista to go post my letter to Hanusia; returned listening to bohemian rhapsody on my phone and doing interpretive dancing to it; scared a lot of people on the way back; hastened up the silver stairs; stood and discussed why Mary only had one hand and why she was standing on snakes; returned to the library to study a little more; continued studying while all others went and recessed; gave up on study and had a bit of a freak out; sat up the top of the silver stairs with an apple feeling slightly bewildered; spoke briefly to Mr O’Meara as he passed (‘that’s not a happy face’); returned to the library, walked past some classes; went back to panic a little more; spoke with Mr Kinsella about physics and how he failed year 11 physics; panicked a little more; joined Jenae, Jen and Someone who were putting up posters around the school for Reconciliation Week; stuck posters essentially everywhere; music departmented; postered the top floor; postered Mr Hubbard’s classroom; postered the second floor; postered the bottom floor; really scared a small child; discovered that it totally actually is Sian; second guessed myself on whether or not it is Sian; resolved to actually talk to her next time I see her; discovered that the posters had spelling errors; arrived at the village for my exam; moved myself from sitting between Grace and Kristyn to sitting next to a wall; felt very sleepy; failed physics exam; left and retrieved laptop from locker; lay on the figure eight and lamented my lack of all intellect; watched Marissa make balloon things; got picked up in my mum’s new car; went to the shops and got subway; came home and died slightly; messed around for a bit; and now I’m going to bed.

Tomorrow I’m spending all day in the maths office. The maths teachers don’t know this yet. I don’t like calculus.

...i am immortal, i have inside me blood of kings, i have no rival, no man can be my equal, take me to the future of new earth...

Of feeling bored and confused

2008-01-13T06:55:21Z

Have you ever just felt confused? I don’t even know why I feel confused. It’s weird.

I’m sunburnt. I went to the beach yesterday with Josh. I don’t even like beaches. There’s sand everywhere and it gets in your eyes, your ears, your hair, your clothes, between your fingers and your toes. It’s invasive and I just don’t like it. Salt water in the ocean stings everywhere with no apparent reason. And I’m incredibly sunburnt.

I read at mass today. Well, Niamh and I read at mass today – I read the first reading and the responsorial psalm and she did the second reading and the prayers of the faithful. Our priest is on holidays so we had a rather odd man from one of the local Catholic schools who gave a homily about a guy who liked to bowl backwards because, for him, it was forwards, or something else entirely abstract.

I’ve been trying to tidy up my room for the last week or so. It involves a lot more effort than one would have thought. I have six archive boxes full of school stuff I need to keep for this year.

During the holidays I get time to do things that I want to do the rest of the year. One is going swimming everyday. Unfortunately though, due to my incredible sunburn, I might not manage it today.

I like someone far more than I ought to right now. They’ll never know because I will never tell them. Maybe I’ll move on soon, I did before. Although, admittedly, last time I wasn’t quite sure what was going on. Come to think of it, I’m still not.

I blame Katie entirely for the fact that I seem to be obsessing over watching QI episodes on YouTube. Would it be too much to try and get my dad to try and get me DVDs of a TV show which isn’t available (to my knowledge) in Australia?

I think I’ve been listening to too much Beatles music. I didn’t really like them at first when my mum brought me CDs. They’ve grown on me. I think I still prefer Queen though. Even though I believe that my opinion of the person, or people, or their sexual orientation, or their pastimes shouldn’t affect the appreciation of their music, I have a feeling that it might be holding me back a little bit here. Which, for me, is weird. The only other time that who is in the band, and what they are like, has impacted in any way on how much I like their music was with Oasis. They just didn’t seem like nice people and, I don’t know, I just didn’t like their music after that. Which was weird. I like The Beatles. I love Queen. I like Missy Higgins as well. Side tangent there.

I ought to read more. A lot more. But I need to read my French book first, and Ghosts (tarni….). And chemistry probably as well. Ah, why do I do the subjects which I do? I know not.

Nothing particularly exciting, but I felt it was time for an update. Everything seems to get in the way of doing things like updating livejournal. I have covered parts of my wall in photos from things. Looking at it though, there’s a picture of Canberra where there is a white strip across the top (it was an awful, cold, cloudy type of day) and that just looks slightly weird. Or maybe it doesn’t, maybe I’m just being weird. Right now, I would have no idea. Thinking and typing is hard right now – I’m so tired and I have an archive box (actually, three stacked on top of each other) poking into my arm and god it hurts. Although, thinking about sleep, I actually am really tired – I don’t like the habits I’m keeping and developing currently, going to sleep late, getting up late. Nothing wrong with that if all you’re doing is sitting around at home and then watching movies or going out in the evening but other than that it kind of sucks. You know, I think I’m almost done here. And here I’ll stop.

...and everywhere the broken-hearted...

2008-01-10T05:20:46Z

A hand above the water
An angel reaching for the sky
Is it raining in heaven -
Do you want us to cry?

And everywhere the broken-hearted
On every lonely avenue
No-one could reach them
No-one but you

One by one
Only the Good die young
They're only flying too close to the sun
And life goes on -
Without you...

Another Tricky Situation
A get to drowin' in the Blues
And I find myself thinkin'
Well - what would you do?

Yes! - it was such an operation
Forever paying every due
Hell, you made a sensation
You found a way through - and

One by one
Only the Good die young
They're only flyin' too close to the sun
We'll remember -
Forever...

And now the party must be over
I guess we'll never understand
The sense of your leaving
Was it the way it was planned?

And so we grace another table
And raise our glasses one more time
There's a face at the window
And I ain't never, never sayin' goodbye...

One by one
Only the Good die young
They're only flyin' too close to the sun
Cryin' for nothing
Cryin' for no-one
No-one but you
- No-one But You (Only The Good Die Young), Brian May/Queen

Brian May writes such beautiful lyrics.

I've been cleaning my room. I've been swimming. I've been surviving holidays. I've got to the point where I want to go back to school- find out who's teaching me, what they've done to our table this year, see everyone, get back into the swing of things.

I don't know. I can't think right now.

My Weekly Planner

2007-11-11T07:17:24Z

I have one more day of school.
I have to go to classes, I have to find out what our timetable for that day will actually be like, I have to get all my choir to go to the chapel during period two, I have to somehow get them all out of RE, I have to rehearse them for the liturgy, I have to go back to class, I have to spend my last recess with my year 10s, I have to set up the quartet for the liturgy, I have to find the gospel which I’m reading at the liturgy, I have to practice this gospel so that I can read it, I have to receive my badges at the liturgy, I have to get my second last annual, I have to empty my locker, I have to survive my last day as a year 11 at Santa Maria College.

I have one day off school.
I have to buy some pens for my exams, I have to buy an eraser, I have to buy some new 2B pencils, I have to find a sharpener, I have to buy a scientific calculator, I have to study, I have to learn a speech for that evening, I have to present a speech and answer two impromptu questions for the Lion’s Youth of the Year contest, I have to get some sleep.

I have an afternoon exam.
I have to go to school, I have to take deep breaths, I have to write three essays, I have to sit still for three hours, I have to sit an English Literature exam, I have to not cry this time, I have to find my PE uniform, I have to ask Mr Allen any questions that I might have, I have to take my cat to the vet, I have to do my notes for G&T.

I have a morning maths exam.
I have to find what room I’m in, I have to take a class photo, I have to return an exam paper to my teacher, I have to hope and pray that my graphics works for three hours, I have to try to answer every question, I have to go swimming, I have to celebrate that I have less than a week left, I have to not cry, I have to study.

I have another morning exam.
I have to go to orchestra, I have to hug Hannah, Melanya and Jenae, I have to get to SS2, I have to have my French dictionary, I have to listen to the tape, I have to find the answers, I have to do the reading and the writing, I have to pass and get an A, I have to finish and go back and check, I have to go to the doctors after school, I have to probably go have some more tests done, I have to go home and sleep, I have to get back up and keep studying.

I have a weekend.
I have to rest, I have to relax, I have to breathe deeply, I have to study.

I have another morning maths exam.
I have to curse that I do two maths, I have to find my paper in the hall, I have to sit for another three hours, I have to hope that my notes are enough, I have to remember to spell my name correctly, I have to remember to drink water but not too much water, I have to remember how to differentiate ln(x), I have to go home, I have to study.

I have a physics exam.
I have to go to school, I have to smile, I have to know my nuclear physics, I have to have learnt my motion and the electricity laws, I have to hope I have enough on my graphics, I have to go home, I have to go swimming but this time with less awkwardness, I have to shower, I have to eat, I have to sleep, but first I have to study.

I have two exams.
I have a history exams, I have to stay calm, I have to smile when they look at me, I have to write, I have to trust that I know as much as I can, I have to just write as much as I can, I have to hope that my teachers will like me enough to give me good marks, I have to not walk out in tears, I have to be more positive. I have a chemistry exam, I have to bring my calculator, I have to bring both pens and pencils, I have to enjoy the experience, I have to know enough to allow me to pass well and get an A, I have to relax, I have to know limiting reagents, I have to remember to always balance, I have to remember my state symbols, I have to sit still, I have to smile, I have to work fast, I have to go home, I have to relax, I have to scream laugh and cry because I have finished.

I have holidays.
I have to dance, I have to laugh, I have to call up my friends and talk for hours on the phone, I have to go to the shops with absolutely no purpose, I have to buy a new CD to listen to on repeat, I have to pack away all my school books and clean my room, I have to lie on my back in the grass and celebrate being free for eight week, I have to go swimming and swim without worrying about anything else, I have to go to my swimming class and not worry about the awkwardness with the teacher and just celebrate, I have to go home and sleep for hours.

I have to go down to Point Walter.
I have to bring an onion and some chips, I have to help cook the barbeque, I have to laugh with my friends, I have to go back up to the school and say good-bye to everyone, I have to say good-bye to my year 10s and my year 9s and some of the teachers, I have to hug Miss Sader and tell her that it won’t be the same without her (and that she’ll come back anyway because Penrhos and year 7’s isn’t the place for her), I have to lie on the figure of eight and watch the clouds go by, I have to leave and try not to cry when I think that the next time that I come back it will be for less than a year, I have to leave and not think about how soon I will be leaving there forever and never coming back, I have to leave and not think about school for at least a week, I have to go home and not worry about studying.

I have to enjoy my holidays.
Then I have to go back to work and start preparing for year 12. I’m almost done. Almost, but not quite. And this last week and a half will be the hardest of all.

Being in class, giving speeches and other things

2007-10-20T06:12:54Z

We went back to school this week to start term 4. This is how my week has been-
Monday we had off, so a group of us went to Scitech. I had fun, especially finding all the furniture for Jess and my fictional home beforehand. That breast-cancer bed was nice! And the old lady chairs were really comfortable!
Tuesday we went back to school. First two periods as normal, then from recess to lunch (about 2 and a half hours on a Tuesday) we had a rehearsal for Awards Night - essentially we (the choir) sang in the chapel then went into the theatre and sang with all the dancers (who still can't really dance the dances), the actors (who are managing to do some of the dancing) and the band (which is still drowning out all of the singers). Then we had the last two periods as normal.
Wednesday was a relatively normal day, I think. No one was really out of the classes too much. I was sent to Mrs Wholley's office during homeroom where I was given a packet of Fruit Tingles and a pencil which says 'Jesus is my hero' on it for serving at the Mercy Day mass. And then I went to G&T where I saw Mr Powell (his homeroom = my G&T classroom) and he was like 'I shall see you tomorrow period 5 when you say your speech to me' and I went 'gah!'. I think that receiving a 'Jesus is my hero' pencil was probably the most interesting part of Wednesday.
Thursday was another crazy day. Starting off with history and then physics was oh-so-exciting, and then we had another recess to lunch rehearsal. Essentially the same as the Tuesday one, only a little tiny bit shorter. At lunch we had to 'present' part of our skit for the yr12s to Mrs Patmore and Mr Sheehan. We successfully sidestepped actually doing anything really, because, to be perfectly honest, no one really knows what we're doing! Period 5 I got slightly lost trying to find out where I was meant to be, but I ended up in the right place (the S&E office!) and present my 'speech' (very badly and very nervously) to Mr Powell and Mr Sheehan. Actually, to be perfectly honest, I presented my speech to the back wall where there was a row of files, and to my jumper sleeves. I was then told that I was going to go along and present it again to Mr Powell's yr10 history class the next day. I went back to RE and then to Lit where we did very little, but had an alright time.
Friday I had orchestra and then oh-such-exciting classes. Period 3 we failed doing our prac miserably and were told we were 'bucket chemists'. Period 4 I went to Mr Powell's class and tried to hide under the desk. The yr10s dobbed me in and I was extracted and left to do my speech. Mr Sheehan was there, but Mr Powell left. Funny really, that they think that Mr Powell was the one who I was nervous to do my speech in front of. I would have been much more comfortable giving it in front of him than I was in front of Mr Sheehan. Strange how that kind of thing happens. Went for a walk by the river in RE, went to History, went home.

Next week is going to be even worse. I'll hardly be in class at all it seems.
Monday - in class for the first two periods, then out for the rest of the day rehearsing for Awards Night.
Tuesday - at school for the first half probably, then leaving for Anzac Student Tour stuff at the CEO offices.
Wednesday - my only full day at school!
Thursday - yr12 final day. Which means a messy day - we'll be out to do our skits and such and then there's the final assembly.
Friday - I don't even go to school! It's Awards Night so rehearsals in the morning at the concert hall and then 'loitering' in the city!

Anzac Student Tour speeches are bad. Mine is bad. Seriously. Everyone tries to disagree with me, but there you go. I'll give it my best shot, but no real hopes there. And I hate having to present it in front of people that I know. This is terrible.

I don't know what other things to talk about. But I'm cold and tired and I need to do my homework, which I can't be bothered doing really. I babysat last night - those kids are so cute! I want to kidnap them! Aww, anyway, I should probably depart to actually do something worthwhile! Adios amigos!

Teaching, Practical Exams and People

2007-10-12T08:05:02Z

April 13th of this year, it was a Friday. I remember this well because at 6 o’clock I went to Melville to do the first part of my Austswim training course. After Friday night, Saturday and Sunday- massive brain-drain and physically exhausting, I was tired. Tired, but excited. I sat my theory exam, I blatantly aided cheating, I might have cheated slightly myself, I passed. A few weeks ago I started my prac. Today I had my assessment. Next term I might be teaching.

They’ll pay me $19 an hour, everyone says that’s good pay, and it is better than most people my age earn, but it is a damn-sight more work than scanning someone else’s food. To spend even just 4 hours teaching children how to swim is tiring, very much so. To spend that much time working with them, in water, vying for their attention, yelling at them. It’s amazing, it’s tiring, it’s scary and it’s wonderful.

I said that I had blatantly aided cheating during the theory exam. I don’t regret it, I’m not ashamed. The theory exam was on things which have no practical application to teaching swimming- things like the biomechanics of swimming. That’s physics, not teaching. The man who was obviously cheating of me, his name is David. He is a teacher, a classroom teacher. He evidently had better things to spend his time doing instead of learning physics, I didn’t mind him copying off of me. He was teaching today, teaching next to me (he was doing VacSwim, I was doing private lessons) and he is a good teacher.

I am tired, but happy. I have done the practical, I have to fill our the forms, and then I’m done. I feel satisfied.

10 Letters + 1

2007-10-02T00:30:13Z

1. I worry about you. A lot. I wish we talked more often. I love talking to you. You’re always interesting, fun and have an innate way of making me feel better.
2. Have I told you recently that I love you? You’re amazing and I wish you could see that. I love you.
3. I wish I had the courage to talk to you. Talk to you seriously, I mean. I’m not okay, and I think you know that, but I just keep blocking you out- like always. You told me that I could always come and talk to you, and I would like to take you up on that offer, but I’m scared. I don’t even know if you could help, I think I just want to talk.
4. I wish you would have let me do more the other day. I could have helped more, I know it. I needed you just to leave it to me. I would have done it, I think. I just needed the chance.
5. Please just get off my back. I don’t know what you want of me- it seems to change every day. Please just decide, or leave me to do my own thing.
6. Don’t tell me what I should do. Don’t tell my mother what you think is wrong with me. If you have an issue, or if you think there is an issue, please come talk to me. Or at least talk to me first. It hurts me that you don’t trust that I can look after myself.
7. You confuse me a lot. I don’t know what’s been happening lately. You constantly seem to be shifting positions. It weird, but please don’t shift too much from where you are now. I don’t think I could handle a return.
8. I hate that we seem to be ignoring each other now. It was great, while it lasted, but now you’re gone. And I’m gone. I’m not who I was two years ago.
9. It saddens me that I never got a chance to get to know you very well. You seem like an amazing person, I would like to think we would have gotten along well. But now you’ve disappeared, and we will never have a chance to see.
10. I wish I was more like you.
11. Where are you? I miss our conversations in French. Dammit, I just miss you.

Songs in German

2007-09-13T12:54:08Z

Teachers are, on the whole, insane. Especially certain history/geography teachers at our school. Who might be male, dearly love their hair and who send poor, innocent children whom they like to terrorise, completely random songs in German. Songs in German about bread. I am scared. Very scared. That is all.

Taynaaaarrgggh, we have orchestra tomorrow with Scurvy Dog Paul. How exciting. Not.

Why am I using our camp-hat names?

Yours sincerly, Ship's Cook.

Why do I have so many questions?

2007-08-18T06:30:34Z

I got up this morning and did theory homework. Is this the end of my 'I can't be bothered doing anything' phase that went on far too long?
I went shopping to buy my friend a birthday present. I spent far too long trying to find her a blue truck to fill with jelly beans. I got one in the end, then spent forever lining up to buy the jelly beans, just so I could go through the till where my friend works. I also got her a Harry Potter colouring in book, a counting book and animal masks. Is this a normal 16th birthday present?
I cried in Intro Calc class the other day. Mr Wray noticed. He thinks I need to talk to someone, or have a good cry. I think I agree. Who should I talk to?
I need to go do some G&T homework now. Does anyone know how to do proofs?

'arry potter

2007-07-14T11:28:30Z

I. Live/die (say live/die to the following characters):

Aberforth Dumbledore: live

Alastor Moody: die

Arabella Figg: die

Arthur Weasley: die (or live if Molly dies)

Bellatrix Lestrange: die

Bill Weasley: die

Charlie Weasley: live

Cho Chang: live

Cornelius Fudge: live, but be disgraced

Crookshanks: live, you can't kill the cat!

Dobby: live, I guess... no, die. I think he'll die

Dolores Umbridge: live, she's too nasty to be killed!

Draco Malfoy: live. or die maybe. oh gosh, I don't know. live I think.

Fenrir Greyback: die, evil characters must die

Fleur Delacour: live, but without Bill

Fred Weasley: live

George Weasley: live

Gilderoy Lockhart: live? is not feature much an option?

Ginny Weasley: live. I think.

Harry Potter: die. I hope.

Hedwig: live!

Hermione Granger: live?

Horace Slughorn: disappear? I can imagine him just running away

Kingsley Shacklebolt: die, die fighting

Kreacher: live

Lucius Malfoy: live

Luna Lovegood: live, but be hurt badly

Madame Maxime: not feature? I'm not sure...

Minerva McGonagall: live. no, wait, die. no, live. no, die

Molly Weasley: die, unless Arthur dies, in which case, live

Mundungus Fletcher: live

Narcissa Malfoy: live

Neville Longbottom: live, seriously injured but play an important role

Nymphadora Tonks: live

Ollivander: dead

Percy Weasley: die

Peter Pettigrew: die, he owes his life to Harry already

Petunia Dursley: live

Pigwidgeon: live

Pomona Sprout: live

Remus Lupin: live, maybe

Ron Weasley: live?

Rubeus Hagrid: die

Rufus Scrimgeour: live

Severus Snape: die

Vernon Dursley: live

Viktor Krum: not feature

Voldemort: die

Winky: live

II. Hookups (say who will go with whom, or if married but not known, say who current spouse is)

Draco: He's too busy fighting!

Dudley: Nuh uh- food is his one true love!

Ginny: Harry, briefly

Hagrid: No one

Harry: Ginny, for a little while

Luna: No one

Neville: No one

Remus: Hopefully no one, his heart belongs with Sirius!

Ron: Hermione!

Snape: No one

Tonks: I don't think she'll 'get with' anyone. Maybe Remus, briefly

Trelawney: No one

III. Careers of future Hogwarts graduates (say career, or n/a if not alive)

Blaise Zabini: Ministry employee of some description

Colin Creevey: Photographer for the Daily Prophet. Or the Quibbler!

Vincent Crabbe: Low-level something. Shop employee? Pure-blood nothing?

Dean Thomas: Ministry employee, something to do with the quiddich section

Draco Malfoy: I would like to think auror, but I think his reputation will preceed him and he will do something else. Maybe a healer. Maybe.

Ernie Macmillan: Teacher.

Ginny Weasley: Auror. maybe.

Hannah Abbott: Healer

Harry Potter: n/a

Hermione Granger: I think she'll begin as something else- healer, auror, something, but end as a teacher

Justin Finch-Fletchley: Ministry. Or Daily Prophet reporter

Lavender Brown: Shop owner/worker

Luna Lovegood: Quibbler reporter/researcher

Neville Longbottom: An auror to avenge his parents? Or something else? To be perfectly honest, I can't really see him working for the ministry. Maybe he'll work for the Quibbler with Luna.

Padma Patil: Shop owner

Pansy Parkinson: nothing. Marry someone rich, live off them

Parvati Patil: Healer. I think

Ron Weasley: Auror. At least to begin with.

Seamus Finnigan: Manage a Quiddich team.

Susan Bones: Healer or ministry official

IV. General questions about book content

What are the Horcruxes? The locket, the cup, the snake (Nagini), the sword, Ravenclaw's wand and something new. Not quite sure what.

Where are the Horcruxes? Black house, Dumbledore's office, Godic's Hollow, with people- i.e. Aberforth

What are the Deathly Hallows? A place where horcruxes are hidden?

What is the symbol on the spine of the UK children's edition? No idea

Who is the creature grabbing Harry's neck in the UK children edition? I never noticed something was grabbing his neck. Kreature?

What type of dragon are the Trio flying on the US deluxe edition cover? Sweedish Shortsnout! I think Norbet

Who is R.A.B.? Regulus

How are ghosts made? Answer here

Will we travel outside of the UK? Maybe...probably not.

Is the locket in book five Slytherin's locket? I believe so. I like things to nicely tie in.

Did Harry travel back in time and see his parents get murdered? No, that would be a little disturbing for the poor boy.

Will Hogwarts be open, and if so, will Harry, Ron and Hermione be back? I think it will, but not during the actual 'war'. Hermoine, yes, Ron will be made to, Harry, yes, but not for long. Harry, I think, will go back and forwards- never back to attend classes, but to see people, get advice or assistance. Hermione will, I think, stay on at Hogwarts for a little, rallying support for Harry, and trying to learn. Ron will leave as soon as possible to join Harry, but will be made return by his mother.

Will the Dementors go back to Azkaban? No

Will the giants help the Order? Maybe some. Not all, and definately not at first. But maybe some will. Maybe more later on.

Are there Crumple-Horned Snorkacks? Of course! And Luna will prove this to be true!

Will we go behind the Veil? I hope not. But at the same time, I hope we do!

Will we see what is behind the locked room in the Department of Mysteries? I think we might hear about it, but not see it as such.

Will Trelawney make another prophecy? Maybe just one more.

Will anyone join the Trio on the Horcrux hunt? Ginny perhaps. Members of the DA I think would like to join, Neville hopefully will be allowed to. But not many I don't think. I'd like Remus to go along. And maybe Tonks.

Who uses magic late in life? Mrs Figg!

Is the school motto important? I don't think so, I think that's just something there for fun.

Snape

Was Snape in love with Lily? Perhaps. I'd like to believe so.

Who was that 'awful boy' that told Lily about Dementors and was overheard by Petunia? James! Of course!

What is Snape's Boggart? A bottle of shampoo? Oh gosh, I don't know. Probably, uh, probably something else. Pride perhaps, or foolishness. Somehow personified.

What is Snape's Patronus? A lion. Oh dear, how un-Slytherin-like of him!

What would Snape see in the Mirror of Erised? No idea

Is Snape good or evil? I like to believe he's good. Deep down. He honestly doesn't like Harry, but who can really blame him? Harry's not the nicest nor most understanding towards him and neither was his father.

Dumbledore

Is Dumbledore dead? yes, and he's no ghost either

Who will replace Dumbledore as Head of the Order of the Phoenix? Remus hopefully!

What is/was Dumbledore's Boggart? Greatness

What is/was Dumbledore's Patronus? A pheonix

What would/did Dumbledore see in the Mirror of Erised? Woolen socks! A world without evil?

V. Questions about the book itself

How many chapters? 17! No idea

Will the last word still be 'scar'? No, I believe we have been told that it no longer is.

When will various couples finally hook up? Throughout the first half and the at the end (depending on the couple of course!)

Was there a hidden piece of crucial information in the WOMBATs? No, I believe that was probably writers-block inspired!

Was there a hidden piece of crucial information in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them or Quidditch Through the Ages? No, no I believe not. Just background knowledge, just for fun

Should this be the last book? Yes, and it had better be.

VI. Anything else?

I don't think Harry will kill Voldemort. Or rather, I'd like Harry not to kill Voldemort. I'd like him to weaken Voldemort, but be killed himself before he can actually kill him. I think it will fall to one of the others- Ron, Hermione, Ginny or Neville to kill him. And I'd like them not to kill him with the killing curse. I don't know. I know it's a war, but there's something so low in stooping to that level.

Now do it yourself! Just copy-paste the following code to your LJ:

<lj-cut text="Ultimate Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows meme">

I. Live/die (say live/die to the following characters):

<li />Aberforth Dumbledore: 
<li />Alastor Moody: 
<li />Arabella Figg: 
<li />Arthur Weasley: 
<li />Bellatrix Lestrange: 
<li />Bill Weasley: 
<li />Charlie Weasley: 
<li />Cho Chang: 
<li />Cornelius Fudge: 
<li />Crookshanks: 
<li />Dobby: 
<li />Dolores Umbridge: 
<li />Draco Malfoy: 
<li />Fenrir Greyback: 
<li />Fleur Delacour: 
<li />Fred Weasley: 
<li />George Weasley: 
<li />Gilderoy Lockhart: 
<li />Ginny Weasley: 
<li />Harry Potter: 
<li />Hedwig: 
<li />Hermione Granger: 
<li />Horace Slughorn: 
<li />Kingsley Shacklebolt: 
<li />Kreacher: 
<li />Lucius Malfoy: 
<li />Luna Lovegood: 
<li />Madame Maxime: 
<li />Minerva McGonagall: 
<li />Molly Weasley: 
<li />Mundungus Fletcher: 
<li />Narcissa Malfoy: 
<li />Neville Longbottom: 
<li />Nymphadora Tonks: 
<li />Ollivander: 
<li />Percy Weasley: 
<li />Peter Pettigrew: 
<li />Petunia Dursley: 
<li />Pigwidgeon: 
<li />Pomona Sprout: 
<li />Remus Lupin: 
<li />Ron Weasley: 
<li />Rubeus Hagrid: 
<li />Rufus Scrimgeour: 
<li />Severus Snape: 
<li />Vernon Dursley: 
<li />Viktor Krum: 
<li />Voldemort: 
<li />Winky:

II. Hookups (say who will go with whom, or if married but not known, say who current spouse is)

<li />Draco: 
<li />Dudley: 
<li />Ginny: 
<li />Hagrid: 
<li />Harry: 
<li />Luna:
<li />Neville: 
<li />Remus: 
<li />Ron: 
<li />Snape: 
<li />Tonks: 
<li />Trelawney:

III. Careers of future Hogwarts graduates (say career, or n/a if not alive)

<li />Blaise Zabini: 
<li />Colin Creevey: 
<li />Vincent Crabbe: 
<li />Dean Thomas: 
<li />Draco Malfoy: 
<li />Ernie Macmillan: 
<li />Ginny Weasley: 
<li />Hannah Abbott: 
<li />Harry Potter: 
<li />Hermione Granger: 
<li />Justin Finch-Fletchley: 
<li />Lavender Brown: 
<li />Luna Lovegood: 
<li />Neville Longbottom: 
<li />Padma Patil:
<li />Pansy Parkinson: 
<li />Parvati Patil: 
<li />Ron Weasley:
<li />Seamus Finnigan: 
<li />Susan Bones:

IV. General questions about book content

<li />What are the Horcruxes? Answer here
<li />Where are the Horcruxes? Answer here
<li />What are the Deathly Hallows? Answer here
<li />What is the symbol on the spine of the UK children's edition? Answer here
<li />Who is the creature grabbing Harry's neck in the UK children edition? Answer here
<li />What type of dragon are the Trio flying on the US deluxe edition cover? Answer here
<li />Who is R.A.B.? Answer here
<li />How are ghosts made? Answer here
<li />Will we travel outside of the UK? Answer here
<li />Is the locket in book five Slytherin's locket? Answer here
<li />Did Harry travel back in time and see his parents get murdered? Answer here
<li />Will Hogwarts be open, and if so, will Harry, Ron and Hermione be back? Answer here
<li />Will the Dementors go back to Azkaban? Answer here
<li />Will the giants help the Order? Answer here
<li />Are there Crumple-Horned Snorkacks? Answer here
<li />Will we go behind the Veil? Answer here
<li />Will we see what is behind the locked room in the Department of Mysteries? Answer here
<li />Will Trelawney make another prophecy? Answer here
<li />Will anyone join the Trio on the Horcrux hunt? Answer here
<li />Who uses magic late in life? Answer here
<li />Is the school motto important? Answer here

Snape

<li />Was Snape in love with Lily? Answer here
<li />Who was that 'awful boy' that told Lily about Dementors and was overheard by Petunia? Answer here
<li />What is Snape's Boggart? Answer here
<li />What is Snape's Patronus? Answer here
<li />What would Snape see in the Mirror of Erised? Answer here
<li />Is Snape good or evil? Answer here

Dumbledore

<li />Is Dumbledore dead? Answer here
<li />Who will replace Dumbledore as Head of the Order of the Phoenix? Answer here
<li />What is/was Dumbledore's Boggart? Answer here
<li />What is/was Dumbledore's Patronus? Answer here
<li />What would/did Dumbledore see in the Mirror of Erised? Answer here

V. Questions about the book itself

<li />How many chapters? Answer here
<li />Will the last word still be 'scar'? Answer here
<li />When will various couples finally hook up? Answer here
<li />Was there a hidden piece of crucial information in the WOMBATs? Answer here
<li />Was there a hidden piece of crucial information in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them or Quidditch Through the Ages? Answer here
<li />Should this be the last book? Answer here

VI. Anything else?

Answer here

(remove the space before the last textarea> and center> when you copy-paste!)

</lj-cut>

Now do it yourself!

I. Live/die (say live/die to the following characters):

II. Hookups (say who will go with whom, or if married but not known, say who current spouse is)

<li />Draco: 
<li />Dudley: 
<li />Ginny: 
<li />Hagrid: 
<li />Harry: 
<li />Luna:
<li />Neville: 
<li />Remus: 
<li />Ron: 
<li />Snape: 
<li />Tonks: 
<li />Trelawney:

III. Careers of future Hogwarts graduates (say career, or n/a if not alive)

IV. General questions about book content

Snape

Dumbledore

V. Questions about the book itself

VI. Anything else?

Answer here

(remove the space before the last textarea> and center> when you copy-paste!)

</lj-cut>

Now do it yourself!

</textarea>
</center>

PS- I go to Ballarat soon!

When all else fails- procrastinate!

2007-06-23T12:49:15Z

Things which I have done today in order to delay completing my lit oral which is due Monday:

- Sleep in.
In my defence, this could have been a good thing- I seem to have gotten sick recently in a way that manifests itself largely though fatigue. Rather bad timing on my body’s behalf- it has been very annoying and attributed to the fact that I am now several weeks behind in all my subjects

- Check livejournal, email accounts and PostSecret
Completely pointless, not at all necessary, but something that I do on a daily (except in the case of PostSecret- in which case bi-weekly) basis. It is, however, a very good way to procrastinate.

- Complete a part of my music camp costume
Now this one was necessary- 5 days to go!

- Call Grace and arrange making the afore mentioned costume
Actually, I lie, Grace called me, but I did agree to go along and make it. Even though I shouldn’t have, although I did think it wouldn’t take us long!

- Spend approximately 5 and a half hours making said costume
This was just a mistake on my time judging behalf. Or rather, we did have to spend much time waiting for Grace’s dad to come home and give us a hand.

- Have dinner at Grace’s
Unnecessary, but unavoidable with Grace’s mum, she insisted, although I did agree!

- Take a nice, long, warm shower
What can I say? I’m a girl and I was cold! And my hair needed to be washed!

- Read my history book
Nazi Germany can be very interesting! Especially when I’m avoiding doing lit!

- Type up this
When all else fails, update LiveJournal! Yay!

I probably should do something now, but I really can’t be bothered... I have no idea what I’m writing about. Right, I have nothing else to say..... maybe I should read some fanfiction!

You're cinematic razor sharp

2007-04-29T09:26:26Z

Dear world (or anyone who is reading),

I would like to inform you all that I have now completed term one, 2007. That is to say, I have finished the first just-over-a-quarter of year 11. Unfortunately, I now have exams in just over three weeks, something which I am not looking forward to.

‘break it down now’
I’m doing 7 TEE subjects this year. For anyone who happens to not comprehend that- TEE is HSC is the courses undertaken in order for one to sit the exams when one leaves school so that one can attend university/college/whatever you feel the need to call it. Most people study 5 subjects, the most one can if into a standard timetable is 6, so I’m study 7. Why you may ask, how is also a relevant question. Why is a little more difficult than the question how, so I shall answer the latter first. First up, the subjects I study- Geometry and Trigonometry (the ‘top’ maths), Introductory Calculus (the next maths down), Physics, Chemistry, History, English Literature and French. Ultimately, I study the first six at school, like any normal year 11 who is slightly over-achieving would. However, I am also enrolled in French at my school (so I do assessments and exams for French, and will [hopefully] end up with a grade for it from school), but do not learn at school. Pretty much, I do heaps of homework. So that’s how. On to why… Why exactly do I study 7 subjects when it is practically unheard of, and overly unnecessary? Well, I’m not too sure. I think it’s something to do with the fact that I want to do G&T, no idea why, but I want to, and to do G&T, one must do IC as well (because G&T leads on to Calc in year 12, but IC leads on to Applicable, which must also be done with Calc, I think it’s just a random WA thing). I also wanted to do physics and chem as well, which was a little weird, but still. Moving on from there, it is a requirement that I do an English subject- so there goes English Lit (why I’m doing the ‘hardest’ English subject when I absolutely hate English is beyond me and all to do with OBE). That leaves me with one space left in the timetable. Now, here comes the problem. My school tells me that, as a winner in the National History Challenge and a participant in the Sir Charles Court Young Leaders Programme (which combines history with leadership), I am obligated to study history. However, I was born in Paris, so naturally I wanted to study French. My mother came up with the plan when I was in year 9 I think. Since then it has been slightly modified and multiple meetings with various teachers, councillors, deputy principals and principals has resulted in me gaining permission to do it. Naturally, I have been told by, oh, pretty much everyone that I cannot, and will not, be able to do it, which, naturally, and somewhat oddly, has resulted in me promising myself that I will do it, and succeed in doing it no matter what. Just to prove them all wrong!

‘she loves to argue’
However, that is not all that is consuming my life as of late. I am in the debating team again. And no, this is not a new thing, I have been a debater since about year 6 (or, well, I was in year 6, and then started again in year 9), however it is very exciting this year, for I am now a senior debater in the WADL competition! Oh what fun! For now we have the exciting addition of points of information and reply speeches added to our debates. And not just that, we also have impromptu debates too (first one being week three, in two weeks!) In the past, our debating teams have been somewhat overloaded and slightly on the dodgy side, but this year, as our debating ‘coach’ kindly informed us, our principal would like ‘to win something, or at least get through to the finals’. And so we ruthlessly cut out anyone who hadn’t come to the meetings, and started our team with 6 members. Lauren, Emily, Emily, Verity, Aimee and myself. The preliminary ‘heats’, the only rounds we’ve ever been involved in consists of five debates, where each team in that division debate against each other. The first two debates are prepared, and the rest are impromptu. Due to slight difficulties involving interhouse public speaking at school, I have debated both these debates. And in both these debates, the adjudicator has risen at the end, and we’ve shared looks, congratulated each other, and told ourselves that we have done the best we could, and prepared to celebrate the other team’s win. And in both these debates, we’ve won. And by won, I mean we’ve won impressively- by 5 points both times! Which, in debating, is quite impressive. And so I’m excited for the next debate. Even if we break our winning streak, I still feel that we have done better than in other years, and that is something to be proud of. And who knows, maybe we’ll progress beyond the preliminary rounds this year!

‘shut your eyes and sing to me’
Choir is often difficult this year. Not only do I end up missing half of the sessions because it is one of the only times I can sit French assessments under the conditions set down my the deputy principal, but our choir this year is also under the instruction of the head of music, the same guy who hates me. Also, he’s not too fond of my friendship with the girls who are older than me, so he wasn’t overly excited when I changed from soprano to alto so I could sit with them. He also takes orchestra, which has been fun. Maybe he hasn’t been as bad this year, maybe he’s been worse, maybe I’ve been more out of it that usual, maybe he has reason to act the way he does towards me, but I just wish sometimes that they would show some sort of acknowledgement towards the fact that regardless of the fact that I’m not overly talented, I have given 6 and a bit years of my life to that music department. 28 terms, approximately 280 Friday morning rehearsals for orchestra, similar numbers for choir. I was a primary school muso for so long, I was there before he was, before Ms Oram, and definitely before Miss Alexander. Just once, just once I would like some sort of acknowledgement of that. Is that wrong? Should I not want that? Am I speaking out of place when I say I want that? I don’t see that I am, yet, I don’t know. Maybe I am asking too much. Or maybe our music department is just overly messed up.

‘all this feels strange and untrue’
I’m jumping back to academic again. This year has been amazing and yet so difficult.
I topped French in reading, and have come second in every other assessment. I will continue to come second in every other assessment, second to Meg, but I don’t mind. I can honestly say now that I don’t mind. At first I did, I think I might have been jealous, I wanted to be top, but now, I don’t know why, but now I know I don’t mind. I do well in French, and that will get me an A and good marks. I don’t need to be top.
Lit has been a constant struggle. Do I like it, do I hate it, can I stand it, do I understand it? It’s difficult for me, yes, it’s very difficult, but there will be moments of enlightenment when it all makes sense. Unfortunately, however, these moments are scarce and usually occur after the essay. That being said, we’ve only done two ‘short essays’- in class essays, and one ‘long essay’- an essay written at home, usually the night before. The first short essay, on poetry, I thought went decently, until I got it back. The second one, on Mansfield’s short stories when less well, once again, until I got it back. In my first essay, I got 70%, apparently an alright mark (but disappointing according to my lit teacher), however on the second I somehow managed to up that to 80% even though I had no idea what I was writing about, one point to make in the whole essay, and no quotes memorised what-so-ever. I have another essay tomorrow on ‘The Glass Menagerie’ by Tennessee Williams, which I am hoping to do well on again, however I will endeavour to learn quotes this time. Hopefully I can keep my marks above the 75/80% mark and get an A.
History has been amazing. We’ve done three assessments- a skills test in the form of a document study in two parts, a document study of the 11-ish part type, and a group oral, in that order. In the first assessment, Lisa and I co-topped the class, getting a mark of 20.5 out of 25- which we were quite happy with. In the second, I think I probably got top, improving on my mark and getting 21.5 out of 25- which I was actually quite amazed with. And secretly very proud when Mr Powell (who marked it) stopped me in the hallway to tell me that I write very well. We were the second group to complete our oral (10 minutes, on an aspect of the 20’s- American history, we did Prohibition), so I’m not sure how we will have done in the scheme of things, but presumably pretty well, considering that we got 13.5 out of 15- which is 90%. We did it on Friday, but every now and then I still get a little rush and feel very excited and pleased that we did so well. History is going well, and I find it rather easy. I’ve fallen into a pattern of things where I write 12-25 pages of notes (typed) a day or two before an assessment, then look at them shortly before an assessment, and somehow, through that process get them into my head. I don’t understand exactly how it works, but it’s a very minimal amount of work and I seem to know what I’m talking about in the assessments well enough to get good marks, so I’m happy! I have my first history essay on Wednesday which I’m ashamed to say that I’m actually quite excited about. History classes are mostly filled with Mel, Krista and myself arguing about whether Roosevelt was actually just a very talented manipulator who stole Hoover’s policies and about whether the picture is of strawberries or puddings.
Physics is hard, but alright. We’ve done light and are about to finish up Heat 1, with the topic test tomorrow. So far my marks haven’t been brilliant, but are enough to give me a solid B and place me in the top half of the class, certainly. That is one subject that I would sincerely like to improve in, however I’m beginning to doubt that I am entirely a physics minded person. That being said, I enjoy it, and my teacher is the only person on staff who has ever told me that it is a good thing that I am doing 7 subjects this year, so I will do my best to work hard and stick at it.
Chemistry is insane. This term we have been extradited from our nice laboratory and stuck in what can hardly even been called a proper classroom. We are in one of the demountables (F2) which is located in the middle of no where. What is worse, however, is the fact that we have been kicked out of our lab by a class of year 8s. However, the actual subject is enjoyable, I sit with Lauren, and now also with Kelsea, and we have a fun time discussing teachers, their dress sense and the TMFs. Lauren was moved to the front next to me because she talked to much apparently, but once she was moved next to me, both she and I talked more. However, one cannot claim that we distract each other (or, rather, one can claim that we distract each other, for it is undeniably true, however one cannot claim that we are detrimental to each other’s progress by sitting near each other) for we both improved in the second test. In fact, that was another mark I was rather proud of. I got 99%, and I only lost half a mark because I forgot to put units in for one question. It was after that test that I decided that I really did like chemistry, as a subject, not just a class. This term, I’m less sure, the subject material seems to be slightly on the more obscure side of things, but I’m sure Lauren and I will find a way to enjoy it none the less.
Intro Calc is arguable the most boring subject in existence, but I am assured by several teachers and several students that this term not only will it get more interesting, my marks will also improve. Smij also promises me that there is absolutely no way in which I can fail IC unless, of course, I try very, very hard to. I can only hope they are right because currently it puts me to sleep and my grades are not exactly notable. However, I do have Mr Wray for a teacher- he is completely insane and likes to make fun of me, but I like him and he seems to be an alright teacher.
G&T confuses me. Not the course material as such (although that is, in itself, confusing), but more the fact that I cannot let go of the fact that a mark has to be above 90% to be classified as good, preferably about 96%. Unfortunately for our class, that is pretty much impossible, and so we are stuck with 70’s and 75’s. I seem to be all over the place with my marks, and I managed to convince myself that I was shocking at the subject, failing, and a completely hopeless mathematician until Mr Allen (my teacher and homeroom teacher) tracked me down with the spreadsheets and showed me how it actually was. Apparently an average of 78.whatever whatever % is a good mark, in context with the rest of the class. I like it, and I hate it, but I won’t drop it (although I will regularly threaten to!)
That, I think, concludes my run down of my progress in all my subjects.

‘h2o- two parts heart, one part obsession’
I’ve been swimming again, building up my lung capacity and trying to improve my speed and stroke style. I can swim 33metres under water. In the swimming carnival this year, I swam in one of the proper events, 50 metres freestyle, I confess, I was excited, but I didn’t tell anyone. I was in division 5 I think, but I swam it in a good time. I came first in a time of about 35 seconds. I was pleased, which I guess should be enough for everyone. In October I will hopefully be completing my prac with the Fremantle VacSwim- and then I will be a fully qualified teacher, unable to teach until I turn 17 unless the centre agrees to lie on my behalf. I am also hoping to do my lifeguard soon, for I am able to qualify and begin working before I’m 17. I don’t want a part time job as such, but summer holidays are always long, inevitably slightly on the boring side, and pools always need more lifeguards and teachers during those times. It might give me something to do, other than homework, study and procrastination. I’m trying to do some swimming by myself as well- build up endurance and speed. By next year I want to be able to swim a 30 second 50 for freestyle- high aims, but I will work hard to get there. And besides, swimming makes me feel good.

‘i guess i’m a little bit shy’
At our Easter liturgy at school I played. Well, the orchestra played- Stabat Mater- one version. We were accompanying the choral. They did it with two solo singers first, and a string quartet. 6 musicians performing for the school. I was in that string quartet of sorts. And so I stood up with the others, I played, I was scared, and I survived. That doesn’t sound very impressive I guess, but normally I would have refused. I’m very shy when it comes to playing in any group with less than about 10 people in it, especially if one of the music teachers is near. Maybe I’m overcoming that slightly irrational fear of playing, or singing, in front of people, probably not, but it still makes me feel better.

‘a life lived for others is a life worthwhile’
Grace and I have been doing our community service hours at Margaret Hubrey House- a home for the elderly near me. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy, but I enjoy it, and I enjoy being there. There are four ‘houses’ in there- MacKillop and Euphrasie, which is just for the elderly- there are quite a few nuns and brothers in there. Then there is Emilie and Nagle- mental health and dementia respectively. They are the more challenging, but more fulfilling houses. I think I would like to go back there, even after I have completed the hours I need for school. Many times we’ve been asked ‘but what did you do?’ when we talk about community service. On some occasions I have responded with the fact that my crime is attending a Catholic girl’s school, but Grace and I have decided on our official answer- ‘we were arrested on 233 counts of petty theft. We were freeing enslaved garden gnomes and relocating them to the gnome sanctuary in Grace’s backyard, but unfortunately her mother discovered them and, thinking that the some-what delinquent neighbours had been up to their old tricks again, reported it to the police’. We’re yet to use it, but we are looking forward to seeing reactions.

‘writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia’
I tried making myself write before, but now I have sworn that I will try to write one piece every day- drabble, ficlet, chapter of my fanfic, a random musing, anything. But something. I’ve decided that I really do like writing, but only if I am writing for myself. Writing for others is never as satisfying as writing for myself. However, that being said, I’ve been discovering that others actually do seem to enjoy my writing. For the first time ever, I’ve been showing people what I’ve written for myself. And I’ve been enjoying listening to what they’ve said about it, how they think it could be improved and what they think it means. There are still some things which will take times before I show them to others, but now I am less tempted to file it away on my thumb drive and hide it from everyone for all eternity. This all started, strangely enough, with my lit teacher insisting that we all write a piece for the Tim Winton award. Usually I would write it, my mother would read over it, then it would be submitted, but this time I didn’t want that. And it ended up not being something that I would ever show to anyone, or at least, not for a very long time. But I had to, so it was shown to Katie, and then to Kristyn, and then to Josh, and then to so many other people. As was the story written after it, the other one for school because I knew that the first was too obscure to be handed in. So many people ended up reading them. I got the response I knew I would for the first- ‘I don’t get it’, ‘that’s really confusing’, ‘you wrote a story about a graphics falling’, but some people did see that it wasn’t just about a graphics falling, in fact, it wasn’t anything to do with a graphics falling. But that wasn’t it, I was also told ‘this is really good’, although that was followed with ‘but I don’t get it’. The second one everyone seemed to enjoy, even though I didn’t really like it. But I think the best bit is that now I know that I can show other people my writing. To prove this, I will post something I wrote at the end of this. I can promise you that it isn’t very good, in fact, it was written at 11:37 last night, and hasn’t been proof read, but I think like it all the same.

‘fill your paper with the breathings of your heart’
I’ve decided that what your heart says is the best thing to follow, but the hardest to discern. Especially when you are 16. I seem to be continually reprimanding myself, and yet it appears to be doing no good. I still seem to be falling for my friends, which is never a good idea. Being a teenager makes life so much more difficult. I find myself writing long rambling letters to no-one, or to people who will never receive them when I can’t sleep at night, or half-stories, half-confessions during classes that are boring. I make secrets that I never submit to ljsecret, and promises to tell people how I feel that I never keep. Every time I convince myself that how I feel is justified and real, I begin second guessing myself. I question motive, bias, purpose, why, how, when, where, everything. I analyse everything and anything. I end up confusing myself so much that I just give up for another few days.

‘where did i go wrong, i lost a friend’
Friends seem to have some how tripled in worth this year, and the need for them quadrupled, but, in accordance with that, the difficulty of maintaining friendships has also increased five-fold. Unfortunately the fine art of making and keeping friendships seems to have been practiced and perfected by everyone else over the last 15 or so years, and yet I seem to have missed some fairly crucial lessons. That does seem to make life slightly problematic this year. I feel tempted to agree with Mr Sheehan- I need to discover a way to cut myself into three so I can be everywhere, do everything and spend time with everyone. Alas, it is not that easy.

‘life is just one grand sweet song, so start the music’
Reagan wrote that below his picture in his high school year book, and I think I agree. Life is too short to be taken seriously, too important to be passed off as merely a fantasy and too unique to not be enjoyed. And so I am going to endeavour to live this year and to enjoy everything as much as I can.

edit: Oh dear! I fogot to put in the story I said I would. It's not really even a story, more a piece of writing! Here goes...

Counting

It had been 92 minutes since they had last talked. 92 minutes since she’d walked, quite literally, into him when leaving the room. It had been 92 minutes, and she needed him.

It had been 93 minutes since he had grabbed her hand to steady her. 93 minutes since she’d laughed, blushed and tried to hide her face. It had been 93 minutes, and she was missing him.

It had been 94 minutes since he had asked her how she was. 94 minutes since she’d answered that she was alright, and how was he? It had been 94 minutes, and she was wishing he was here.

It had been 95 minutes since he had ignored her question. 95 minutes since he’d demanded to know why she was ‘only alright’. It had been 95 minutes, and she couldn’t get him out of her head.

It had been 96 minutes since she had smiled at him awkwardly. 96 minutes since she’d attempted to find an answer to his query. It had been 96 minutes, and she thought she couldn’t cope much longer.

It had been 97 minutes since she had responded. 97 minutes since she’d told him how she really was. It had been 97 minutes, and she longed for him.

It had been 98 minutes since she had confessed. 98 minutes since she’d admitted to all that she had been hiding for the last few years. It had been 98 minutes, and she was desperate to see him.

It had been 99 minutes since he had told her. 99 minutes since he’d hugged her and promised her it would be alright. It had been 99 minutes, and she couldn’t hold on.
It had been 100 minutes since they had last talked. 100 minutes since he’d looked at her and told her he loved her. It had been 100 minutes, and she loved him.

Another odd dream I had last night

2006-02-01T10:31:43Z

I just had another dream, a weird one.

There was a girl, with brownish-blonde hair. I was quite long, reaching about the middle of her back, maybe a little shorter. It was out, framing her face. She wore plain blue jeans with a black material belt. She wore an over-sized black jumper with a brand name scrawled across the front in large, white letters.

There was a guy too, with dark hair. His hair would not classify as ‘long’, but would definitely upset some teachers at any private school. Each strand was 6, maybe 7 centimetres long. He too wore blue jeans, baggy and frayed at the ends, and a black band shirt- The Red Hot Chilli Peppers was emblazoned on it in red writing, and the symbol of the group as well.

The guy was sitting on the floor, the girl sideways in his lap. His arms were around her waist, protecting her, while hers were around his neck, her head resting face down on his shoulder. She was crying silently, while he held her. He didn’t say a word, but his presence comforted her more than any words.

The entire background was white. Not a blazing, pure white of new paper, nor a creamy, off-white. It was a gentler colour. Soft on the eyes. It was more like the absence if anything important or distracting than a colour.

The two characters started in colour too, but slowly the colours faded and melted into each other. Details faded out, faces, words, colouring. They merged, and ran, forming one object, a black silhouette against a white background. A silhouette of two people holding each other.

I've done this one too many times now

2006-01-31T14:16:15Z

I am stupid and weak and an idiot and any other synonyms that you wish to put in there.

A Dream That I Had Last Night

2006-01-29T23:32:27Z

It’s late. I just woke up from a dream I was having. I’m not one to normally write about my dreams, but this one was different. I woke up from it confused, but with a feeling of urgency, something was compelling me to write it down. It was odd, but something made me feel that it was important to do so.

I was in the passenger seat of a car, a reasonable sized white car, just driving along a normal street in outer suburbia. It wasn’t in the middle of nowhere, but it wasn’t in the inner city centre. There was nothing special about the car, nor the street. Nothing was out of place, everything was just…normal. Except the other person who was in the car. There was a guy. Umm, yeah, I don’t know who it was; actually, that was just a total lie. I knew exactly who the guy was; I just don’t want to say. We turned into a street, I can’t remember the name. Something Ave. It wasn’t anything abnormal. It was just a tiny detail that I actually noticed in my dream. That for me was unusual. Normally things just happen in my dreams, and details don’t form. But we turned into this street, and halfway up, turned into the driveway of a house. Once again, pretty standard, normal house. It didn’t stand out in the street, and it wouldn’t in most. It was two stories, white, had a brownish-red tiled roof. In front of it was a lawn, and two small garden beds in front of the windows on either side of the door. There was a garage to the right of the house, which we pulled to a stop right in front of.

The guy and I both got out of the car and walked towards the door. He pulled out a key and unlocked it. Following him, I walked inside. In front of me there was a set of stairs leading to the upper level of the house, to my right a dining table sitting on a brightly coloured, striped floor mat, behind it a kitchen, and to my left a family room with a couple of green-blue couches and a television set.

The guy put his hand around my waist and pulled me closer. “So,” he breathed, “What do you think?” He smiled slightly after asking the question, as if he already knew the answer. I rested my head on his shoulder.
“I love it” I sighed, leaning into him further. His grip around my waist tightened, and I turned towards him. Bending down slightly, he began kissing me. And I was standing in the middle of this house, kissing him back.

After a little while we pulled apart, solely due to oxygen reasons I think, and his arm once again returned to my waist. He began slowly leading me up the stairs. One step at a time, turning left into a corridor, through a door- 3rd on the right, and into a bedroom. There was a bed in the middle of the room, a double bed with a blue doona across it, a brown wardrobe along one wall, white bookshelves along the other. There was two things that had disturbed me about the house so far. The first being the fact that it was neat. Too neat. There were no papers on the table downstairs, or shoes in the corner. There were no books lying around the room, or water bottles under furniture. The bed was made and everything was in its right place. The other thing being that there were pictures of us on the walls. Me sitting on his lap, him holding me close, him pushing me on a swing, me giving him a hug. Picture of us. Pictures that implied there was an ‘us’.

He sat me down on the bed and began kissing me. As I wrapped my arms around his neck, a glint of something shiny on my finger caught my eye. For no apparent reason, I suddenly raised my eyes to look at a picture on the wall. It was once again of us, but it was something very different to the other pictures. It was then I realised, we were married.

The dream stopped then, but woke me up and left me feeling awkward. You have some dreams that are just crazy, and you know are just a result of eating too much sugar the previous day. And you have other dreams that are just random, like dreaming of platypuses invading your pantry and eating all your cookies, and then you have dreams that mean something. Most of my dreams fit into the first two categories, but this one seemed to fall closer to the third.

I never dream in detail, and while I don’t dream in black and white, I never really notice the colours of anything. And most of my dreams are completely unrealistic. But this one was different. I’m not sure what scares me more- the fact that I actually noticed things like the colour of the doona and the street name, or the fact that everything that was happening seemed completely real, completely natural. It was like I was just remembering something that had happened a few years ago.

The other scary thing was that I could feel everything that was happening. It wasn’t like I was standing off in a corner, helplessly watching what was going on. I was me, and I could feel everything. I could feel him put his arm around me a pull me closer, I could feel the pressure of his lips on mine. And it felt good. It felt nice, it felt right. But it can’t be, can it? It was only a dream, wasn’t it? I can’t have a crush on a guy just because of a dream that I had about him….can I?

I, we, were young in the dream. Early twenties I presume. But it seemed like we were in love. Completely, utterly, hopelessly in love.

This guy who I was married to, I know him. I get on well with him, but it’s not like I’ve ever even thought about marrying him. Or at least, not that I recall. (…or at least not that I’m going to admit to…) Argh. What if it’s all weird around him now? I think I need to talk to Kat, now more than ever.

Wow...

2005-10-28T11:38:25Z

Hello anyone who wishes to read this...
Wow, I have been meaning to do this for a while, and I finally got around to it....not that I will post in it much probably... Im just bored of leaving 'anonymous' comments on Katie's journal. And so, it was just for her and her innards that I got this.
Dont you feel special Katie??? You should.
Goodbye now!!!